


Untold Tales of the Champion

by MageRightsActivist



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Multi Pairing, Slow Burn, episodic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-02 04:42:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5234510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MageRightsActivist/pseuds/MageRightsActivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There were reams of paper, manuscripts in old ink on faded paper - alongside newer pages written hastily. She stared at them for a moment, wondering why Varric would hand her such a thing."<br/>Varric's Untold Tales of the Champion. Misadventures that were never printed in Varric's original book.<br/>Misadventures that mostly centred around the relationship between himself and Hawke and how it slowly morphed from something they understood to something neither could grasp.<br/>A collection of stories that Varric wrote and never published which recount their transition from friends to almost lovers, there was a reason he liked to keep Hawke's love life relatively secret.<br/>Rated E for scenes of a sexual nature in later chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sidekick

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Wow, it's been some time, I have my fingers in a lot of pies as far as stories are concerned at the moment.  
> The other stories I have to admit aren't entirely planned out and the one that is doesn't leave me much room for artistic liberties and interpretation.  
> I have each chapter loosely planned for this fiction but with enough breathing room that it should stay interesting. Hopefully this format will suit my current circumstances better.  
> Anyway, please enjoy!

In which Hawke and Varric breifly discuss sidekick status.

* * *

It had been days since the Inquisitor's chosen few made their way to Adamant Fortress. The ride there would take some time, as would the ride back. Each day Varric would see Leliana, and the look he gave her asked questions unspoken. She would shake her head - no word yet. Neither of them had to discuss their concerns in the open, Leliana for the wardens and her absent lover, Varric for Hawke. Cassandra had been left behind, much to her chagrin. The Inquisitor had taken Blackwall, Dorian and Sera. It was no secret that even within her inner circle she had her favourites, but the same could be said for anyone. They all worked together, but it would be impossible not to prefer some people over others.  
  
"Would you stop that." The Seeker had chided him this morning, he shot her a disgruntled frown.  
  
"Stop what?" He asked incredulously, and a little more short than perhaps he might usually be.  
  
"That, pacing."  
  
Varric hadn't realised he'd been pacing, but it turned out that he had. As time wore on he was more and more impatient for news. Each new day marked another twenty-four hours without knowing what had become of Hawke. He felt a little guilty, but he spent next to no time worrying about the rest of the party. As long as she came home safe. Andraste's flaming ass.  
  
"Sorry, Seeker."  
  
His response was out of character, even for him, and Cassandra watched him eyeing his desk.  
  
"Varric?" she offered, and he picked up something from amongst his piles of work before turning to hand it to her.

  
There were reams of paper, manuscripts in old ink on faded paper - alongside newer pages written hastily. She stared at them for a moment, wondering why Varric would hand her such a thing. Sensing her confusion he chuckled a little bit.  
  
"For the Champion's biggest fan."  
  
There was silence, neither of them were the kind of people to speak openly of their deeper feelings. It was much easier to hide everything beneath aggression or sarcasm.  
  
"They're stories." Varric continued, shaking the papers in her direction. "Adventures I never wrote into the book."  
  
Taking them reverently Cassandra was grateful for the gesture, but also suspicious of his motivations.  
  
"For what reason am I worthy of such a gift?"  
  
Chewing his lip a little the dwarf struggled to put his feelings into words. He didn't want to sound accusatory even though he was feeling it.  
  
"You asked me why I never wanted Hawke to join the inquisition." Came a quiet response. "And I know you've been watching me since she left."  
  
Nodding silently the human clutched the papers to her breast. She understood not what their content might be, but she grasped their importance.  
  
"Mostly they're silly things, adventures that didn't contribute to the story but things that happened. Maybe you'll grasp the group dynamic a bit better from them." He made air quotes with his fingers when he said the words 'group dynamic'.  
  
Cassandra thanked him and turned on her heels to leave. She would read these stories elsewhere - she had a feeling Varric didn't want her to read them in his presence. So she sat down on the grass under her favourite tree in Skyhold and she began to read.

* * *

Hawke had never beaten around the bush when it came to things people didn't want to hear. She was much more subtle with things people wanted to hear. Today, this meant there was no room in her heart for a dwarf's pride.

  
"He's my sidekick." She had offered in response to some bandits who were looking for a woman travelling with a surfacer. We fit the bill.

  
"Sidekick?" Asked one, the tallest of the bunch with an accent that reeked of the free marches in a way that neither of us had heard before.

  
"Yes. We're entertainers." She offered, smirking to herself as she leaned back in the squeaking wooden chair. It wasn't uncommon for us to be in the hanged man - and really if there had been any more thought given to it we might have found a less conspicuous way to spend our time. Sidekick! She was going to get a side-kick once this was all over, but I knew not to interrupt her mid flow.

  
"What are you gentlemen looking for?"

  
The group of men looked around at one another, seeming to ask each other for permission to give away their precious secrets. Idiots.

  
"We're looking for a woman and a dwarf."

  
"Well isn't it just your luck that you found us? I don't know if you can tell but we are, in fact, a woman and a dwarf!"

  
I did laugh a little at that one, couldn't help myself. You see Hawke and I were growing accustomed to each other's social cues by this point. A synchronised show of jazz hands left us struggling to keep our composure - that and the drinks we'd already had before our company arrived. The group of men, however, were unamused. They were also too stupid to notice sarcasm when they heard it which was a bonus for us.

  
"A specific woman and dwarf. Hawke and Tethras. Seen around with an elf and a man." He drawled again staring her in the face. She wore that stupid smile she always had on when she was drunk.

  
"Nope, sorry, not us."

  
I snorted into my drink. Her bare faced cheek was not helping our situation, but the marcher's oblivious stare was the icing on the cake.

  
"Sorry, he's challenged." She gestured downwards to where I was now staring up at her. I like to think my expression read as her crossing an unspoken line, but it was probably more of an 'I'm drunk and you're making me laugh' face.

  
"That's one word for it." I murmur eventually. "Every day is a challenge being with you."

  
Our mutual brand of self depreciating humour aside, it was only a matter of time before we were caught out. Actually, it was barely any time at all. A regular patron looking for revenge after losing several rounds of wicked grace came staggering in, already had a skin full by the looks of him.

  
"Hawke!" He yelled angrily, pointing right in our direction.

  
Of course the bandits by this point realise they've been duped. They round on us all eyes of fury, and Hawke gestures around to the bar at large. Her legs were now crossed one over the other and propped up atop the table.

  
"Gentlemen," she began calmly. "Surely you don't want to cause damage to such a fine establishment?"

  
They made no motions to back away, because of course they don't. I readied myself for what would come next.

  
"No? Have it your way."

  
I can't imagine the thoughts going through the poor guys' heads during what immediately followed. It was at that moment that Hawke kicked the two empty flagons next to her across the table to where I was waiting, they were sent flying into the faces of the two closest men. The others had second thoughts and spent just enough time weighing up their options for Hawke to bowl them over and allow us to run for the door.

  
Mostly we must have been giggling like school children, running out in the snow with our bellies full of ale.

  
This is one of the first fights we've ever been in, and I can tell it won't be the last. Raising the money for the deep roads expedition was taking some time, but I knew Hawke wanted to do it this way. Besides, there was still debt to be paid on her uncle's behalf.  
  
Unfortunately for us the gentlemen from the tavern had friends waiting outside. It was over pretty quickly - Hawke could fry most of them before they could make a move, and the ones she hadn't set alight I had poked full of holes myself. There was something stark about the blood stains on the snow, the red contrasting with the white, the heat of Hawke's spells contrasting with the cold. It seemed we were the very opposite of what the world wanted us to be at that moment.

  
It was at this time that I realised that Hawke had become somewhat of a constant feature in my life. I hoped that we could consider each other friends. Which reminded me.  
  
"Sidekick?"  
  
She shrugged at me, feigning indifference though her face gave away a childish grin.  
  
"Well nobody would believe the human was the dwarf's sidekick."  
  
I raised an eyebrow at her, surveying the aftermath of our skirmish.  
  
"I'm not being sidekick to anyone who kills less bandits with magic than I did with a crossbow."  
  
She stuck a tongue out at me for that one as we went through the less savoury task of patting down pockets and looking for loose change. There was nothing of substance, but we didn't expect much.  
  
"I guess we're kicked out of the tavern for the night." She grumbled, her face was still flushed from the alcohol in her system.  
  
Maybe it was the excitement of the night now that we were away from the scene of the fight, or the new layer of snowflakes that settled over the city streets but I decided that going home with our evening cut short wasn't an option. Walking slightly out of pace with Hawke I gathered what I considered to be the best damn snowball in all of Thedas and aimed it at the back of her head.  
We spent the next hour or so chasing and pelting each other with them. After this started to wear down, still drunk as ever, we began to track down everyone who belonged to our merry band of misfits and made it our mission to assassinate each and every one with a frozen surprise.  
  
Some took it better than others.

  
Truth be told I'm still not sure when we decided to turn in that night, but I do know it was the start of something, something good.


	2. Wicked Grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like there's a lot of itallics in this chapter but it conveys a sense of sarcasm and anything involving Varric and Hawke is bound to have a lot of sarcasm.  
> The chapters in this story are a lot shorter than I usually allow myself but I'm trying to tell myself that each one is a short story in itself so it doesn't bother me as much.   
> I'm trying to update relatively quickly to make up for the lack of content per chapter.

It occurred to me one morning as I nursed the hangover so kindly given to me by the previous day's ale, that Hawke and I had never played a game of Wicked Grace. It was this thought that put a smile on my face all day, and kept my spirits high even after a fight with the coterie. Perhaps surrounded by corpses wasn't the best time to bring up card games but what kind of friend would I be if I didn't involve her in such a _fine_ pursuit?

"Hey, Hawke."

She didn't turn to face me, preoccupied with the pockets of the poor bastard she'd put down with a particularly vicious bolt of lightning.

"Yes, Varric?" was her reply, I surveyed the area with a smirk on my face. None of us relished the idea of killing anyone, but we weren't above it either. In this town, being _above_ anything would put you six feet _below_ ground.  Anders was looking more and more tired by the day, and now even as he looked at the bodies of our attackers his expression was harrowed. Fenris at first glance would seem completely unperturbed but those of us who knew him, knew better. The situation didn't matter, he was still unable to let go of the anger inside of him. That settled it.

"Have you ever played Wicked Grace?"

There was a pause, all heads turned to face me.

"Pardon?" Anders asked incredulously.

"Wicked Grace, we should get together for a game." I threw a smile in blondie's direction, "All of us. Some drinks, some cards - in the Hanged Man."

We probably wouldn't be bothered there, unless by a drunken brawl, which wasn’t something we would be surprised by. In the end Hawke stood and pretended to think about it.

"Why not, we get drunk most nights, might as well get drunk with a bit of a purpose. I don't know if Merrill will grasp it properly though."

Everyone had a bit of a chuckle to themselves imagining Merrill anything other than stone cold sober, it was true she'd probably just stay as she was and try to follow the game.

"Now that's settled, let’s get out of here before the Templars show up." Anders offered eventually.

"Agreed."

* * *

It was nice to have everyone around a table together without it being about something morbid, and interesting to observe the interactions we had going on within the group. I sat in my seat, because it was _my seat_ and I _always_ sat there. I doubt anyone would have made an attempt to sit there even if I hadn't been in it, there was an unspoken rule about seats and their owners. If there was another chair available, one did not sit in someone else's seat.

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

I sat in my usual seat, which was one end of an elongated table. The seat at the opposite end of the table was left empty - presumably everyone assumed that Hawke would have the other 'head' of the table. On my left sat Merrill, next to whom sat Fenris, opposite them being Aveline and Anders respectively. Isabella would change where she was sat, sometimes next to Fenris, sometimes next to Anders. She was quite animated and didn’t seem to sit still for long, or necessarily in a seat, as opposed to on the table itself.

There is a lot to be said for the way people sit around a table. It tells one about the social dynamic. From what you know about our merry little band so far you might assume that Fenris and Anders would sit as far away from each other as possible, and that maybe Merrill would sit next to Anders, trading her place with Aveline. However, regardless of their opposing points of view, Fenris and Anders respected each other on a certain level and perhaps felt that their conversations were as fulfilling as they were antagonising. Anders was uncomfortable with Merrill and her blood magic to the point that it made him jittery and jumpy - the last thing anyone needs from an unstable mage with a martyr complex and a spirit living inside of them. Fenris, although he disliked her, did not fear Merrill in any way and as such was quite comfortable being sat next to her.

Merrill herself enjoyed sitting next to another elf, it gave her some comfort now that she was away from her clan. Aveline found Anders' conversation to be the most pleasant of the three of them when it didn't involve anything about mages or the Chantry. Then there was Isabella, who despite her popularity with everyone present, did her best not to leave a lasting impression on anyone. She paid everyone the same shallow level of attention - perhaps out of a desire not to be attached to anyone.

Now, why did Hawke and I get the ends of the table? I mean other than the obvious point of there not being much more space. The answer to that is that I was sat in the aforementioned chair belonging to me, and that Hawke was the unspoken leader of our little ragtag group. We'd joke on occasion that we were mummy and daddy to a bunch of very unruly children.

Speak of the devil, while I was dealing out the hands our _fearless leader_ came bounding over with a rather impressive balancing act going on. She'd somehow managed to carry over seven pints. Something told me that as the night wore on she'd be finding that more and more difficult.

She slid the drinks down the table to everyone and plonked herself down in her seat, propping her feet up on the table top and sending me a wide grin. Definitely already been drinking.

"What are the rules of this game?" It was Merrill who spoke first.

"House always wins." Anders grumbled unenthusiastically. "That's the only rule worth noting."

"Hey, don't put her off before she's even started!" I chastised him.

We continued on like this for a while, getting slowly more drunk as time wore on. Bets became stranger and stranger until we'd gotten far past the point of coin and into the realm of something else entirely. Stories were exchanged - some far to scandalous for me to put down in ink.

"Okay, okay." Hawke slurred, slamming her flagon down onto the table and staring me directly in the face. She was becoming increasingly frustrated by my wins throughout the course of the night. "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse."

I smirked at her, I wasn't exactly sober myself but for all her strength she _really_ couldn't handle alcohol.

"What does the great _Miss Hawke_ have to offer the house?"

She removed all of her armour and piled it up in the middle of the table.

"If you win," she grumbled to everyone's amusement. "I'll go out in my smallclothes and walk right into the Chantry."

I laughed quickly, enough to make my ale come out of my nose. Must have been quite a sight.

"Oh I have to see that. What if you win?"

She considered this for a while then regarded me with a wicked grin.

"You let me shave your chest hair off. _All of it_."

A chorus of whoops and hollers confirmed that the rest of the table thought this would be a great idea. 

It was an interesting proposition, and at the time I was so sure of victory that I didn't bat an eyelid at accepting her offer. It turned out Hawke had figured out I'd been cheating, and she had started cheating in her own way to match. It was a good game, but in the end this became the story of how Hawke was forced to embarrass a bunch of Chantry mothers.

It had been a sight to behold, but even though she had enough alcohol in her system to keep her face red and her skin hot I knew letting her wander back to her house without any real clothes or armour on was a bad idea.

So I ended up giving her my coat and helping her back home  - which is easier said than done when you're shorter than the person you're trying to support.

"You _cheated_." she slurred her words, unable to walk in a straight line.

"So did you," I reminded her. "I just did it better."

"Dick."

"Love you too Hawke."

We said nothing for the rest of the journey back to the estate, mostly we just enjoyed each other's company and the wind chill on our faces. We tried hard to be quiet as I dragged her indoors and to her room. She had shared one with Carver in Gamlen's Lowtown house and remarked often that hers was too large and lonely here in comparison. I let her off my shoulder and onto her bed.

"Hey, _dwarf_." she groaned, giving me a suitably displeased look.

" _Yes_?" I asked in return.

"I think you should do your forfeit anyway."

I scoffed looking down at her.

"And what makes you say that?"

"You cheated. We both did, so we should both lose right?"

I looked at her, trying to gauge if she was any more sober than she had been a half hour ago. She wasn't.

"Sorry _milady_ , I would not let anyone in your state anywhere near me with a sharp object."

She seemed satisfied with that and waved for me to go.

"Fine, another time."

"Another time." I agreed, knowing full well that she wouldn't remember this come morning. I'd have to remember to drop off her armour. I might have won it from her but I had no intention of keeping it. 

This was the first time I ever saw Hawke too drunk to function, but it sure as hell wasn't the last.


	3. Family (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter, I wanted to upload it yesterday along with the second one but I found it a bit diffcult to get on with. I feel like this chapter and the next, from a writing point of view, are almost 'filler' before I get to write the things I really want to write.  
> They're necessary and I like writing them but I really really want to start writing the stuff that comes after that. I'm trying not to rush it.

Cassandra was in half a mind to give up on the stories. What was Varric's game? He'd said he wanted her to understand why he didn't want Hawke to join the Inquisition, but all she was reading so far was drunken escapades and friendly banter. With a frown on her face she almost took the manuscripts back to the dwarf but they were still waiting on word from Adamant and she could see his worry grow by the day.

It was almost as if… No, it couldn’t be. Could it?

Her new realisation spurred her back into reading, maybe things were about to get more interesting.

* * *

Hawke visited me last night. I'm not sure how to begin with this. Nine times out of ten I write because I enjoy it, but today I feel like I'm writing to cope. Hawke and I have always been close, don't get me wrong, but we don't really talk about our feelings openly. It's all buried beneath several layers of sarcasm and distraction. In any case, let's go over the events leading up to her visit.

Hawke had a brother and a sister when she left Lothering. Her sister, Bethany Hawke, died en route during a fight with an Ogre. The fact that any of them survived was practically a miracle. An incident like that was sad enough on its own without the destruction of her hometown, being practically sold into servitude and then being lost in the Deep Roads. The Deep Roads expedition had been an unmitigated disaster. Carver Hawke, her brother, had been injured and began to get sick with the blight. We had no way of telling how long it would take us to return to the surface after Bartrand locked us away down there. In the end Hawke had to kill her own brother out of mercy. It's a story I could do without recounting in detail.

There were a few things that stuck out at me from that expedition that still haunt me to this day. The thought that _my_ brother was responsible for the death of _Hawke's_ brother, that by extension I was somewhat responsible for it. The expression on Carver's face as he realised he'd become blighted. Hawke humming a song for him as he slipped away, without shedding a single tear. The conversation about our party choices, that Hawke felt if she hadn't brought him - or if she'd brought Anders - he'd still be with us. Perhaps most prominently the sound of her vomiting around a corner from us from the sickness of grief and what she'd had to do.

We'd caught up with Bartrand eventually after he returned to Kirkwall. I've already recounted the story of how we found him and that by some strange screwed up karma I had to kill him. My brother made Hawke kill Carver, and now he was making it so I had to kill him too. I've not felt any sense of closure from it, or any sense of satisfaction. I know Hawke felt no better about Carver after the fact.

We hoped that it would feel good, like shutting the lid on a bad smell, but it didn't. If anything the stench got worse.

And that's how Hawke came to visit me unannounced.

* * *

Hawke stood in the doorway, as if she didn't know whether to enter or not. I gestured for her to come inside, so she did. I was sat in my chair nursing a glass of wine like it was my only hope. She sat across from me and poured herself a glass too before shaking her head and opting instead to uncork another bottle and drink straight from that. I drained the rest of what I had and followed suit.

Nights like this required the restraints to be removed.

"Varric," she began, looking pained. We didn't talk about this sort of thing, about Bethany or Carver or Bartrand or any of the people we'd lost or killed along the way. "I'm sorry."

It was the typical response, the thing that everyone is supposed to say when someone's in mourning. What a stupid sentiment, sorry for what? It either conveyed a sense of guilt or a sense of pity, and I didn’t like either of those.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for." I replied simply, and we drank in silence for a time.

"Yes I do." She replied eventually. It was quiet, I almost missed it, which was very unlike her.

"Such as? Bartrand did this to himself, nobody else made him lock us down there."

She frowned, reaching out to place a hand on my arm. It was warm and comforting.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't save him. I'm sorry that you seem so convinced you're to blame for it all, for Carver."

"There was no magic in the world that could have done anything for my brother, Hawke. Don't apologise."

"I just know how it feels, what you did was a good thing."

"Killing my brother was a good thing? Gee thanks." I immediately regretted what I'd said, why was I biting at her so much when she'd done the exact same thing those years ago. "Shit Hawke, I'm sorry."

She smiled sadly at me and took her hand away, my arm felt strangely empty without it.

"Want to play cards?"

We were back to our usual strategy of ignorance and avoidance. I had ended one of the few deep conversations we'd had about this sort of thing by cutting her off like that. The problem being that neither of us knew how to bring it back on track in a way that would be constructive or useful.

"Sure."

I smiled back at her as best I could and we went back to playing Wicked Grace like always. Somewhere between the drinking and the games we always found a way to help each other heal. For two emotionally stunted people sometimes the thing we needed the most was just someone to be there.

Hawke was a constant, she was always there, you could always count on her. There weren't many things you could rely on in the world but she was one of them. You could expect her to survive even the most impossible of odds, to laugh when everyone else felt like giving up, and to ignore any and all protests when she set her mind to something.

A bottle and a half of wine each later and our troubles were buried deep once again.

"Hey," she asked eventually, the cards discarded and scattered around the table. "So seriously, what's with the crossbow?"

I laughed at her, casting my eyes over to where Bianca was propped up against the end of the bed.

"What about her?"

"You know what, why is she called Bianca?"

Hawke had referred to her as a she. It meant acknowledging the pseudo-person the weapon had become. A stand-in for a real person.

"And you _know_ I'm not going to tell you that. Not even after this much wine."

She pouted, mumbling something that I didn't hear.

"What was that?" I asked her with a smirk. "She'll get angry if you're talking about her while she's right there."

Smiling over the top of her bottle she tapped the side of her nose, she had the same look on her face as she gave everyone she tried to win over.

"Now, you _know_ I'm not going to tell you that." Mimicking what I'd said earlier she laughed a little. "Not even after this much wine."

I threw one of the corks at her across the table. She just laughed at me, but eyed me in a way I hadn't been on the recieving end of before. It was a little unsettling. I knew she was trying to manipulate me into telling her about Bianca, but seeing her use that expression on other people was funny. When she used it on me it was just, _uncomfortable_. I didn't want to refer to it as 'seductive', because that lends it more credit than it was due in this situation. She wasn't trying to _seduce_ me, just get me to talk. However the only time I'd ever seen her pull that face with anyone else it had been because she was planning on getting into their pants, so that was what I associated it with.

"Don't give me that look." I groaned, waving a hand at her.

"Why not?"

"You know why, I'm not one of your various booty calls, gimme gimme doesn't get."

"Ah damn, I'd hoped you'd find me completely irresistible and spill all your darkest secrets."

"You're lovely Hawke, but you know I don't fall for the wiles of women, especially deadly insane ones."

"That's where I'm going wrong! And here I thought it was my looks."

Even this could be diffused by joking and skirting around the matter. She gave up trying to get me to answer her and instead returned to nursing her bottle.

"Hey, Varric," she began, staring at the green glass against the palm of her hand.

"Yes, Hawke?" I asked in response, slightly amused by our previous conversation.

"Do you think we're gonna die alone…?"

The air was heavy, thick with an overwhelming feeling of dread that screamed run, run now and don't turn back. I didn't know what to say to her. After a little while she spoke again.

"Like, everyone we care about dies or leaves. Is it some kind of punishment for the things we do?"

In the end I opted to take the bottle out of her hands and offer her a smile.

"I'm not going anywhere."

She smiled too then, in response.

"Me neither."


	4. Family (2)

Things began to make a little more sense to the Seeker. She had a number of theories about what Varric wanted to convey with his stories. So far it seemed that there was perhaps another layer to Varric and Hawke's relationship that she'd overlooked. Either way, many members of the Inquisition watched their friends go into battle every day. It still struck her as awfully selfish of the dwarf not to have brought the Champion to them sooner.  Maybe he'd wanted to spare his friend some additional suffering after all the things she'd been through - but it was her experiences that set her apart from others and, in Cassandra's eyes, made her the best candidate for Inquisitor. At least that was before the Herald had taken that position.

Running a hand through her hair she sighed, it took approximately seven days to reach Adamant Fortress from their current holdings, seven days there and seven days back was the least amount of time that Hawke would be gone. It had been about ten days since they had left. Varric stressed the need for her to read all the stories before the forces returned so that left her four days in which to finish them to be sure that she would accomplish that.  
  
Looking at the papers she had still to get through she reasoned if she spent much of her time reading then she could accomplish this fairly easily. After some brief exercise she returned to the manuscripts.

* * *

 

The second time Hawke came to me for matters relating to family it was shortly following the death of her mother. That had been an _unpleasant_ experience to put it mildly. We'd found her some three or so days previously - or rather we'd found her head. Attached by some strange magic to a body patched together from other women, like a gruesome homage to Frankenstein's monster. Hawke appeared in my doorway again, but this time there was no hesitation and no subtlety. She looked gaunt and harrowed, dark circles under her eyes which themselves were bloodshot and watery.  
  
"Andraste's ass, you look like you haven't slept in days!"   
  
I spoke without thinking, she answered me by way of a grunt slumping into the seat across from me as she had done the last time. I handed her a bottle of wine without asking any questions. She needed it and I could tell that much. Uncorking it seemed to take far too much effort and she knocked a few mouthfuls back, some of the liquid escaped and ran down her chin and onto her armour. It was then that I noticed the stains.  
  
"Hawke."  
  
She didn't look at me at first, ignoring the fact that I was speaking to her or perhaps just not hearing me at all. " _Hawke_." I tried again more forcefully.  
  
This time her eyes lifted up to meet mine, vacant and red raw.   
  
"What?"   
  
I looked her over once again, shaking my head and getting up out of my chair. She flinched when I put a hand on her shoulder and began to unbuckle the top of the chest plate.  
  
"You haven't changed or slept since…" I trailed off, the blood of the man who'd stitched those women together and the blood of her mother intermingled with theirs was still splattered across her in a gruesome slash.   
  
"Since my mother was _murdered._ "  
  
It came out so matter-of-fact that I stopped what I was doing. I'd intended on helping her out of her armour and at least cleaning her up a little bit.  
  
"Shit Hawke, I'm, look I'm sorry."  
  
"I'm not a child, you don't have to treat me with _kiddie gloves_."  
  
She spat the last part at me, clearly resentful to everyone and everything at this moment in time. I finished helping her out of her armour before I made any attempt to reply. For a time the only sounds were our breathing and the clinking of metal.  
  
"It's okay, you know." I began eventually as I stepped back to look at her, the clothes she'd had under her gear weren't exactly clean but it looked better. She threw a filthy look at me, expecting something else than what I had to say. "You're allowed to mourn her."  
  
The expression turned from anger to surprise.  
  
"What do you…?"  
  
"You treat everyone who tries to help you like they're doing something wrong. As if you're supposed to be able to deal with everything by yourself, but shit, nobody can deal with all this crap on their own."  
  
For the first time in my life I saw Hawke cry that night, really truly cry. It was painful for both of us, she didn't want to be seen as weak, I didn't want to see her hurting. I've no idea how to deal with anyone who's that messed up by their life never mind it being Hawke. The indestructible madwoman that she was.  
  
Somewhere between her sobs and my attempts to soothe her I'd shuffled her over to the bed. It wasn't uncommon for her to sleep over when we'd had a night of heavy drinking - we'd both just pass out on top of the mattress fully clothed after lying there laughing until our stomachs ached over some stupid tale or joke. This time I laid her down and tucked her in under the covers. She didn't protest, in all honesty I'm not sure she even knew what was happening.  
  
I wasn't sure what to do with her other than let her get it all out of her system and get her some sleep. She could work on cleaning herself up another time. As I went to give her a bit of space she grabbed my wrist.  
  
"V-Varric," she choked out, starting to calm a little but with a voice raw from crying. "Could you just stay with me a little while, I don't want to be alone."  
  
"I wasn't going to leave you here by yourself, I'm not _that_ heartless."  
  
"I mean can you, could you maybe just lie here with me."  
  
Not one to let a friend down I tried my best comforting smile and did as she asked, I didn't get under the covers - partly because Hawke made anything she was near as hot as a furnace but also because once she'd fallen asleep I intended to clean off her armour and give her some space to spread out and rest up. She managed a small smile at that.  
  
"Hey, you remember last time this sort of thing happened?"  
  
I nodded, how could I forget?  
  
"You said you wouldn’t be going anywhere. Did you mean that?"  
  
For some reason this was more upsetting than the rest of the night had been, and that was saying something.  
  
"Of course, where would you be without your dashing dwarf accomplice?"  
  
"In deep shit, I think."  
  
We both grinned despite ourselves.  
  
Hawke seemed satisfied then, and I began to stroke her hair and generally try to calm her into a restful slumber.

I didn't know it was going to happen, but there was something about the topic, the heavy air and the heat of the room that pushed us together. She was lonely and in pain, so was I. Both of us wanted something tender, something to remind us that we weren't alone and that not everything in this world is doom and hurt. It was over before I realised it had begun. Where my hand had been thumbing circles on her tearstained cheek it rested still. Our lips had touched only momentarily but they still had done.  
  
I'm not sure I would even refer to it as a kiss, as much as a quick brush of her lips on mine. I don't know what I felt at that moment, I did my best to repress anything that might have surfaced from that interaction and I did a damn good job of it. Neither of us said anything about it, and continued on as normal. Whatever that meant.  
  
I don't think either of us were willing to confront it, whatever it was. There had been enough soul searching done recently to last us both a lifetime, and we weren't about to examine our friendship any further than we already had been. We were best friends, we comforted each other in a time of need, and for a long time that kiss would be referred to as the kind that siblings might share. Then it wasn't referred to at all, until we realised a refusal to acknowledge it lent it more credit than it deserved. We tried to integrate it into our lives, allowed ourselves more familiarity with each other's personal space.  
  
Maybe if we let our friendship become a more physically casual one things would feel less weird. For a time, they did.  
  
Only for a time, mind you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter with anything shippy in it, of course they're still stubborn babies, but we love them for it. Hope everyone enjoyed this one! Trying to stay regular with updates.


	5. Cave in!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since an upate! So much has happened out in the real world recently that I haven't had time to write - and then when I did I had no motivation for it. Nice reviews and favourites/kudos etc here and on FFnet have really pushed me to just try and crank another chapter out. This was harder since it's sort of a filler chapter that helps to set up the next one so nothing particularly exciting for me was going on. Now it's done and I've gotten past my mental block with it so hopefully I'll get back into the swing of updates. Thanks for all the support, you guys are the best.

Cassandra spent some time sat with her mouth slightly agape, looking around for someone else to share her newfound knowledge with but finding no-one of course. She steadied herself and flicked back over what she'd just read to confirm she wasn't imagining things. Mentally she was cursing Varric to the heavens and back, she was beginning to read these stories as avidly as his romance serial and they both knew what people thought of that. 

There was something, as far as the seeker was concerned, very right about the idea of Hawke and Varric being together. She shuddered, hating the thought that she was advocating a relationship between the champion and that infuriating dwarf.

* * *

Something that you can only really understand once you've experienced loss, is that the world continues on. Regardless of whatever personal tragedy you've endured life doesn't just stop to accommodate you. That was a concept that Hawke and I, and our extended circle of friends, were becoming accustomed to. Today was an example of life moving forward despite everything. It was also the day that I realised that even if Hawke or I failed to come back home one day people would still get on with their lives, and one of us would have to go on without the other.

For a little context, Anders wanted us to fetch some ingredients for something or other in the bone pit. So Hawke gathered up those of us she wanted to take with her - Anders to point out what it actually was that we were collecting, Fenris because they'd been becoming close as of late, and myself because I was her trusty _sidekick_ after all.  
In a rather short space of time we'd run into a dragon. I don't mean a little one or a dragonling, I mean a full blown high dragon all teeth, claws and fire. Hawke was powerful, but she couldn’t fight a beast like that by herself. In the chaotic attempt to regroup Anders and I had become separated from Hawke and Fenris. We heard rather than saw the dragon go down, but as it fell it brought down half of a cave wall. Hawke and Fenris, last we'd seen them, had been fighting the dragon on one side of the new rubble obstruction, and Anders and I though we could see one another were unable to get closer.

"There are many ways out of these tunnels!" he called to me from his position. "We should focus on making it out of here and finding each other later."

I nodded to show that I'd heard him, he was right of course. Standing there was liable to get us killed.

"Alright blondie, see you on the other side."

It might sound ironic that a dwarf would feel uncomfortable underground, but I've been raised on the surface all my life. The Deep Roads, caves, you name it. Every place like that gave me a sense of unease. Not to mention the possibility of corpses popping up around every corner in the lowlight. I was mentally thanking Merrill a thousand times for convincing us all to carry our own light source when we went out on a mission.

Somewhere in the damp corridors of the tunnel network I started to wonder about Hawke and Fenris, and somewhat about Anders. I was less concerned about him since I'd seen he was well enough to take care of himself - but I had no idea about the other two. I figured broody could take care of her, but there was always this little voice in the back of my mind telling me I'd seen her for the last time. Although, if I had to choose a way to see Hawke go out, illuminated by dragon's breath would make for a lasting impression.

The idea of Hawke's death was already taking its toll on me without any proof one way or another. Eventually my mind wandered to our one-time ill-considered kiss in the Hanged Man. 

Shaking those thoughts from my head I began to recognise where I was, knowing that the surface was only an hour or so walk away improved my mood drastically, and I instead began thinking about what I'd do if Hawke really did never come back. It occurred to me that things wouldn't change so much. I'd be in my own personal hell like I was with Bartrand, and she was with her family. This time there'd be nobody to share it with and maybe it would finally be the end of me - or maybe it wouldn't. I would still get up every day in Kirkwall going about my business. If I didn't things would go on without me. Somehow that train of thought brought me a little comfort as well as some melancholy; or rather it did until a bony hand grabbed me by the shoulder.

Jumping out of my skin, I'd never known the corpses to be so sneaky, I rounded on it immediately ready to stick a few bolts into the forage. Instead of a corpse I was instead greeted by Hawke's face, struggling with all her might to hold in her laughter with a skeletal arm in her hand. I couldn't help myself, so I smacked her on the arm and pulled her in for a hug which she easily returned.

"Hawke you are an _ass_."

She laughed again now, wiping some of the tears from her eyes.

"Oh man your face, you were about ready to decapitate me!"

We released each other a little awkwardly, and she patted me on the head.

"Hey, what did I say about petting the dwarf?"

"Only after several pints and a bottle of chardonnay."

I turned and began to walk the way I'd been going before she interrupted me, and Hawke followed slightly behind.

"What happened to Fenris, he isn't with you?" I asked, cursing myself for actually being somewhat glad he wasn't here.

"There was more than one way for us to get out, so we split up in case either of us found you guys. Anders isn't here with you either?"

I laughed, picturing Fenris' face when he ran into Anders in a dark corner of some cave.

"Oh they'll be so pleased with each other's company."

Realising that even though I'd said that I still hadn't confirmed Anders' safety to Hawke I spoke to her over my shoulder. 

"He's fine, we just couldn't get to each other."

Hawke relaxed at that, and for the rest of the time we were in the tunnels we spoke about the usual things in between fights with shambling groups of corpses. By the time we made it out of the cave it was night time, but we were still happy for the fresh air. She looked up at the sky and smiled at the sight of the stars. Once, she'd told me how the stars calmed her on nights she felt alone. There were particular constellations she had chosen for her father, mother, brother and sister that brought her peace when she had no-one. I'd reminded her that she always had me.

"No sign of Anders or Fenris yet." She said eventually, clearly a little anxious.

"They'll be here, they're probably just too busy arguing over something." I replied, not quite believing myself but doing all I could to lighten the mood.

We set up camp to wait for them at the mouth of the cave. There was no way that we could figure out where we were in relation to Kirkwall in the dark anyway. Neither of us had been carrying any bedrolls or camping equipment but we knew how to make a fire, and so we gathered up what we needed and settled down on some slightly less uncomfortable rocks.

"So you never said, did you guys actually take down the dragon?"

Grinning from ear to ear she reached into her hip pouch and produced a gnarled and bloodied fang the size of her head.

This sparked off the conversation about her fight, the excitement as the dragon went down and the terror as it caused the cave-in. She was animated and it took her mind off the others at least for a while.

Hours passed and there was still no sign of the others, we were running out of ways to stay optimistic about the situation and our moods lowered further as the sun began to rise. Neither of us had slept and the fatigue was further exacerbating the situation. After some convincing we decided to head back to Kirkwall. It was better to wait for them there than out on the mountainside.

We'd emerged somewhere on Sundermount but it didn’t take us long to find our way back once we could see the landmarks along the trail in the daylight.

We decided we would wait at Hawke's estate, reasoning that if they came back to find us they'd go there first. I tried to reassure her that with Anders there they really were in a better position to receive care in that cave than they would be in Kirkwall.

What followed was a week without sight nor sound of either of them. The worst part about it was that we were right, life did just continue on without them. Hawke and I were stuck in a sort of limbo where we performed our daily tasks and waited for news that never came. By this point we were used to loss, but we weren't used to uncertainty like this. Someone was dead or they weren't, you couldn’t mourn if you didn't know. Days passed and we spent each evening in the drawing room waiting for any news before falling asleep in our chairs and rising the next morning. As we began to adjust to this new routine we finally got the news we were waiting for.

Anders came shambling into the Hawke estate Fenris in tow. He looked exhausted, and the elf wasn’t in great shape either. Both of us leapt out of our seats to greet them.

"Fenris, Anders!" Shouted Hawke running over to them and beginning to look them over for wounds like a mother hen. "Where the _fuck_ have you been?"

"Maker's balls, we were starting to think we'd never see you again."

I had made it over to them by this time too and even though I was concerned, more than anything I was _relieved_. 

"You and me both." Anders laughed a little, though he was clearly deflated.

"What happened?" Hawke frowned, leading them to the available empty seats.

Anders and Fenris recounted their journey back to Kirkwall. It turned out that in the beginning things had gone exactly as expected. They met up, argued a little, and Fenris helped Anders collect the materials they'd originally gone to get while they made their way out. Once they had made it to a section of the tunnels that they recognised they'd been cut off by slavers looking for Fenris and they had the tunnel roof brought down on them by Justice who saw it as the only way out - cutting their own noses off to spite their faces so to speak. Anders had then spent days carrying a severely injured Fenris out of the cave system. He used up all of his mana keeping the elf alive and they had to take the long way around any and all obstacles. Thankfully they'd had enough provisions to at least feed themselves for the first four days or so and water enough to last five along with what they could find in the caves and boil up.

After the explanation Hawke ran them both baths and allowed them to clean themselves up and rest in the estate. She didn't want them going home until she knew they'd be safe. I went back to the Hanged Man to give them all some space for the time being. 

For the first time in a long time it seemed like luck was on our side.


	6. Matchmaker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter incoming, I'm not sure about this one but I'm also not sure how to present it in a different way. Maybe I'll come back and change this at some point but for now it's done and on to the next one! From this point the Varric/Hawke content of the story is going to increase. AKA Varric stops being stubborn in some ways but way more in others.  
> I've got a playlist I listen to when I write this, thinking about putting it up on 8Tracks for others to hear while they read maybe? Let me know if you're interested. I'll put something up for each chapter.

Things had pretty much gone back to normal, apart from the fact that Hawke and Fenris were constantly up in each other's business. As far as I knew there wasn't anything official going on at the moment - not for lack of Hawke trying. It was the fact that she had been trying that was making the events of the next few days even more bizarre. Things had been fine up until a certain point. That certain point being a visit to the City Hall. Aveline was acting squirrely all morning and it had continued on into the early hours of the evening. After performing some strange errands it was apparent that she had a crush on a particular guardsman, who went by Donnic.  
  
In the end Hawke suggested inviting him out for a drink in the Hanged Man. Everyone else could see that this was heading for disaster, so we left the arrangements to her. She invited Donnic out on behalf of Aveline under the guise of a night drinking with friends. The night rolled around and most of us elected to stay out of the way. Fenris and Anders had wanted to stick around just to witness the wreckage but decided they would be too conspicuous to hide from Hawke properly. It would be strange if I wasn't in the tavern, and then she would accuse me of flat out avoiding her - which wasn't wrong.  
  
Three hours ticked by without any sight or sound of Aveline. It was painful to watch, and Donnic was clearly uncomfortable. Eventually he left, Hawke slammed her head against the wood of the table and as I went to check on her I was joined by the missing heroine of the night.

"I'm sorry Hawke," she began, looking sheepish. "I couldn't do it."

"For the Maker's sake, it's not that hard Aveline! Donnic thinks _I'm_ interested in him now!"

"You don't know what it's like, I'm not used to this sort of thing!" 

"I get rejected all the time, it doesn't matter." 

"Yes it does, it might not matter to you but I _really_ like Donnic."

There was a brief silence where Hawke considered this and leant back in her chair. She looked at Aveline with an unreadable expression. Eventually she sighed and leant forward, gesturing for Aveline and I to sit with her. I sat in the seat beside her and Aveline across from her.

"Alright, what else can I do to help you?" 

"You don't have to do this for me, I know I'm hopeless."

Hawke smirked at that, but shook her head all the same.

"Not quite hopeless, just inexperienced." 

We discussed what could be done, and eventually came to the conclusion that a group of us would clear out Donnic's route before he took it to give Aveline a chance to talk to him uninterrupted. Once that was settled on we gathered up those that were to be involved. Hawke decided that it would be me, her, Isabella and Fenris who cleared the route. We could do it quickly and relatively quietly so as not to arouse suspicion - and Isabella really wanted to get the juicy details first hand.

Hopeless was turning out to be the appropriate word. Each time they reached a guard post they were no closer to discussing a relationship than they were before. Fenris was chastising her lack of honesty, Hawke side-eyeing him as he spoke, and Isabella was spouting off as many dirty jokes as she could get away with.

"You're surprisingly quiet, Varric." She noted while Hawke and Fenris walked ahead of us.

"Who, me? Nah, you're just too loud." 

"Got something on your mind?" 

"This might make a good story one day, just committing it to memory." 

She didn't seem convinced, but she dropped the subject nonetheless. The thoughtful way she observed Hawke and Fenris told me she worked most of it out without any help anyway. I didn't have a right to be jealous, but I was. Maybe it was knowing that my best friend wasn’t going to have as much time for me any more.

By the end of the route Aveline still hadn't said anything, and Hawke's patience ran out.

"Aveline."

She appeared in front of them, we all followed behind - Isabella and I were enjoying the awkwardness a bit too much.

"Hawke, don't." 

"What's going on here?" Donnic was rightly confused, and Isabella put a hand to her mouth and called to him from our position a short distance away.

"Aveline's got something she really needs to talk to you about. Something a little _saucy_."

"What?"

"Yes, but she's doing a really bad job of confessing it." Hawke added, to which Donnic walked off after some grumbling. He was frustrated with the mixed messages he'd been receiving all day.

"Hawke, I thought we were friends." Aveline gave her a look that would shut Justice up. 

"You'll thank me later."

"You keep trying to force me, it's harder than it looks." 

"It's really not that hard. Anyone here I could _kiss_ and it would be less awkward than that display you just put on." 

"Oh really, like you could just do that and it would be completely fine?"

Aveline and Hawke continued their argument for a while, and the rest of us zoned out. Eventually I was aware that my name was spoken and a finger was pointing in my direction. Realisation dawned and hit me in the gut like a rock.

"No." I protested flatly. "Not a chance."

"See Hawke, it's not that easy." Aveline looked smug, Hawke gave me an expression akin to a kicked puppy.

"But it _is_. Varric come on, just this once? Help me to help her."

Reluctantly I walked over to them, I was aware of Isabella snickering behind me and Fenris clearing his throat in disapproval.

Hawke was right, it wasn't that hard. We were just proving a point to Aveline, right? Then why was I so conscious of her body, the way she held herself. I felt the overwhelming pressure of her presence next to me. I braced myself, for what I wasn't exactly sure, but I did it all the same. Hawke placed a kiss on my forehead first, turning to look at Aveline and declaring 'see, that was easier than half the stuff you do on a daily basis _guard captain_ '. She'd protested that kissing your _best friend_ on the forehead, whom you were already ' _sickeningly_ ' close to did not amount to her confessing to Donnic being easy. 

So then Hawke had kissed me on the lips this time. Longer than our first encounter of this kind, just long enough to be considered a real kiss. Her hand lingered longer than necessary on the back of my neck as she turned away and back to Aveline who conceded defeat.

"Okay, okay, I get your point. I'm sure I can try to talk to Donnic. I'm sorry that it even came to this silliness."

If only Aveline knew how positively completely awkward it actually had been. In fact it had been the most awkward experience of my life and I was forced to place it at the back of my mind once again and ignore it for as long as possible. This would never be addressed, Hawke would have no reason to mention it because we were just encouraging Aveline right? Then why had her hand stayed like that, why was she refusing to look at me right now, _Andraste's tits_.

Isabella whistled low and Fenris poked her in the gut, the resultant sound was a choked cry. I was about to say something when Hawke crouched to my level and put an arm around my shoulders.

"Feeling left out Izzy? Best friends only." 

The pirate laughed, even Fenris smirked slightly. Just like that Hawke made it normal again. 

"Yeah sorry, perks of the sidekick position." I added.

"Oh yeah, the _dynamic duo_ , you guys are disgusting." It was affectionate teasing to cover my awkwardness, Fenris' discomfort and Isabella's embarrassment at Hawke's knowledge of her crush. 

"Bitches get stitches." Hawke jibed, pulling a mock gang member pose, nudging me to follow suit. Which of course I did, enthusiastically.

We gave Aveline some time to cool off, and in the end things worked out well for her and Donnic. All the day's events lead him to talk to her of his own volition and they were able to talk openly about their feelings. They began a relationship. It was maybe one of the only things that Hawke and I felt we'd helped create that was good in the world. It felt like the light was coming back into our lives.

So why was I lying awake through the night replaying the day over and over again in my mind?

 


	7. Lovers Past (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone! Life is so busy at the moment, I guess that's just Christmas time though.  
> Has it really been a week since I last updated? It feels like no time at all! Still, at least I'm semi-regular. A week is an acceptable amount of time to me.  
> On the bright side I'm beginning to get over my sickness properly now after six months of doing not a lot! Hopefully that means I'll start having the time to update other fictions I put on a medical hiatus because of the super long chapters/plotline I gave them.  
> On the subject of last week's playlsit suggestion I decided that since I have one 'playlist' I'm going to put a link for that in the final chapter, and post a song that I think fits a chapter each week instead.  
> This chapter's song is "Style" by Taylor Swift. (THIRDSTORY did a good cover of this song for male voices)  
> Alternatively 'So In Love With Two' by Mikaila if you want something silly. (For Hawke)  
> (Both songs linked in notes at the end of the chapter cause this note is already really long!)

The group dynamic began to change pretty quickly after the incident with Aveline. Everyone seemed to have had some kind of epiphany surrounding their own relationships and their own happiness. Anders had never hidden his affection for Hawke, and Hawke had never done a good job of hiding hers for Fenris. To tell you the truth I had no idea what I really wanted from this whole predicament. The idea of everyone moving on with their lives appealed to me - but we still had a way to go before things would settle down in Kirkwall, if they ever did.    
  
The ‘Aveline Incident’, as we were so affectionately referring to it, was the catalyst for a whole host of events within our little circle. Hawke had never been stingy with her attention, and it was well known that she was quite the charmer. Men or women, didn't seem to bother her who it was as long as they were relatively attractive and enthusiastic. Our group of friends fell mostly into those categories.  Fenris, however, was slightly different. Hawke was many things but she wasn’t stupid. She made no attempt to seduce Anders because she was aware of his unrequited feelings, and she made no attempt of the like on Fenris because she knew that she had one shot with him. If she made herself out to be a one night stand that’s exactly what she would be.   
  
Truth be told she was looking for a little more, and it was giving me the worst indigestion I’d ever had.   
  
I liked the idea of things rolling forward as they should, Hawke and I the inseparable best friends, her love fighting alongside her, our extended friend circle finding the happiness they deserved. What I didn’t like, however, was the realisation that she meant more to me than I’d been allowing myself to accept.   
  
Slowly but surely I was coming to terms with the fact that I had a bit of a crush on her. Who didn’t? She was beautiful _and_ deadly. Crush was the word I was going to use to describe it for now. That was about the only place I was happy to take it.  
  
 After a day collecting materials for merchants, favours for favours for friends, we’d all retired to the Hanged Man for some of our usual rounds of Wicked Grace and ale. Hawke was getting good at it by now, and we played into the night until one by one everyone left. Everyone apart from Hawke, Fenris and I. It was awkward, or at least _I_ felt awkward. Maybe it was just me, those two were genuinely hard to read. Following some self-deliberation I decided to leave them to it and retire to my suite. As much as I didn't want to leave them alone together due to a not so small amount of jealousy, I realised letting things take their own course would solve my problems too. I’d be forced to get over it one way or another if they shacked up in Hightown together.   
  
It wasn’t long before Hawke was standing in the doorway looking sheepish. I gestured for her to come in and she did so, standing in the empty space rather than coming to the table like usual.   
  
“You left that grouch all by himself?” I asked, a little surprised.  
  
 “Well actually, I kind of wanted to talk to you about that.”   
  
There was a pause, Hawke seemed to be looking for permission to continue. I gestured to the chair across from me and she shook her head.  
  
 “Not staying long. Fenris is waiting.”   
  
Ah so it was like that, she was still planning on going back to spend time with him.   
  
“Well, what’s up?”   
  
She bit her lip and looked at me, shit I’d never seen that expression before. Hawke was many things but she wasn’t bashful. It tugged at the heartstrings.   
  
“I want you to kiss me.”   
  
Silence. Complete, stifling silence.    
  
“I’m sorry, you want me to what?”   
  
“It’s just something I need to work out in my head.”  
  
 “What about my head? When that elf comes in here and cuts it clean from my shoulders!”  
  
 For a while we just stared at each other, she was giving me an intense look. Eventually she walked over, but instead of sitting on the unoccupied chair she put herself down on my lap instead.   
  
“Hey!” I protested but she shushed me.  
  
 “Look, shut up for a moment and let me explain.”  I gestured for her to continue and she removed her hand from my mouth. “I know things have been getting a little weird lately. And honestly the whole Aveline thing, and the time with mother and Carver, we haven't talked about it. About whatever this” she gestured to the two of us. “Is. I _like_ Fenris. I know you’ve got your own special someone somewhere even if you won’t talk about it. I just want to double check, okay? For closure.”   
  
“Oh yeah and what happens if one of us feels differently to the other?”  
  
 “Well then at least we’ll know.”   
  
"You have to be kidding me!"   
  
I was exasperated, Hawke was asking the impossible of me. If she had any idea how distracted I'd been trying to work out just what the hell was going on in my brain the past few months she wouldn't have asked.  
  
 "I'm serious Varric come on! Don't laugh at me. It's for reference."   
  
I couldn't believe I was going to agree to this.   
  
"So, your idea of working out the issue and getting over this awkwardness  is to…" I swallowed unable to even say the words. "To…"   
  
"To kiss again yeah."  
  
 It sounded just as insane the second time.   
  
"How the hell do you expect that to work?"   
  
"Well, we do it, we see how we feel about it and we go from there."   
  
She wasn't joking, she really meant to do this. Sighing I nodded, best to just get it over with. We shuffled around for a moment until we were facing each other at a reasonable distance. Her face was as red as a tomato, and it was kind of endearing. Neither of us was going to start this any time soon so I took the initiative.   
  
If I thought about it her lips were rosy and inviting. So I tried not to think about it.  
  
 This time when we kissed we tried to take it a little more seriously than the previous two incidents. I suppose the rationale was that if we didn't kiss with conviction then how were we supposed to know how we felt about it.  When we decided enough was enough - which admittedly wasn't for a while - our faces remained relatively close together. I don't think either of us really wanted to see the other's expression.  
  
 "S-see." Hawke began, doing her best to convince the both of us. "Nothing, right? Just friends who are comfortable with each other."   
  
I nodded, but we didn't separate entirely, instead resting our foreheads against each other. It was warm and comfortable, her breathing mixed with mine. There was something right about it, and that was terrifying.   
  
 "Yeah, just friends." I agreed.   
  
Both of us knew that was a lie, but there had been more there than perhaps either of us were expecting. If it had felt like lust maybe we'd have addressed it, but it didn't. It felt like something a lot more troubling, and so even though we'd done this in the hopes of resolving a problem it seemed the problem would remain even so.  
  
 Standing up Hawke righted herself and struggled to speak for a moment before she all but shouted at me.   
  
“I’m going to pursue a relationship with Fenris!”  
  
 I blinked, taken aback. She was giving me a chance to tell her not to but I didn’t have the strength for it. If I told her not to it would be like inviting her to get serious with me, which was something I couldn’t offer to her.  Our entire relationship would undoubtedly be based around moments like this where we stole kisses for stupid reasons, and eventually it would end. There was nowhere for something like that to go, to grow, and I had someone else I needed to think about. I couldn’t let a hasty decision jeopardise something that had been established for so long no matter how much time had passed since I’d last seen or heard from her. I had made a promise and I intended to keep it.  
  
 “Alright,” I said eventually, Hawke was visibly deflated. “Good luck, if _that’s_ what you’re into you’re gonna need the patience of a saint.”   
  
I tried to laugh a little for her, but this time the jokes felt flat. She smiled sadly and turned to leave.   
  
“Thanks Varric. See you later.” Just like that she was gone again, something in the pit of my stomach made me sick at the thought that I’d sent her to someone else. I knew it was the right choice. Selfish, but she’d forgive me in time.   
  
After all, we were friends before all else.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/uj26D-bZ4oo Style - Taylor Swift (THIRDSTORY cover)  
> https://youtu.be/Rvf4ctqTrro So In Love With Two - Mikaila (Already laughing typing that)


	8. Drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm back! Had a bit of an impromtu hiatus due to Christmas/New Year/family health/going back to uni so it's been a while since my last update.  
> I was stuck between two 'themes' for this chapter when choosing a song (since I felt like a couple of them fit this) so I chose one of my favourite covers of a Beyoncé song. If you've not heard of Postmodern Jukebox I highly recommend them!  
> https://youtu.be/NtyoC7KuBDY - Drunk in Love (Vintage Big Band/Swing) - Beyoncé (PMJ Cover ft Cristina Gatti)  
> !!! I describe Hawke in this chapter using her default appearance. If this breaks the immersion for anyone please let me know and I'll revise the chapter to try and be as ambiguous as possible !!!

Some time passed, bit by bit our ragtag group found reasons to pursue their own interests in their down time. Our late night meetings were becoming less frequent now that things were entering a relatively quiet spell in Kirkwall.  
  
 I spent the entire day tending to business with the Merchant’s Guild, finally gathering the willpower to address some lose ends that Bartrand had left behind when he died. Truthfully I thought of my brother’s death as being on the day he found the idol. We killed him, _I_ killed him, but he was already dead when the bolt hit his chest. What hadn’t died, however, was the paperwork demon I was currently battling.   
  
_Boredom_ was something I was no longer used to, there was always something going on somewhere with Hawke and the others, but it seemed like we’d entered a rare period of peace. It was a lull in the excitement that lead to discussions of homes and settling down and pets. Any time I imagined Hawke with a normal life I would laugh to myself, she just wasn’t that way inclined. Maybe one day, but I felt like there was a lot more energy she needed to burn off before she was ready to give up on her freedom.  
  
 It was becoming common for us not to hear from each other for days only to pop up with an excuse to venture out of the city or get up to no good. This was one such point in time, with Hawke nowhere to be found since four days prior. Her excursions featured Fenris the majority of the time now, and despite my best efforts to get along with him, the awkwardness was evident. I figured that was the reason Hawke called on me less recently. There hadn’t been any mention of what occurred between us many months ago, and I doubted there ever would be.   
  
Friends are strange, people you let into certain parts of your life and cut out from others. They're there when you need them, and you try your best to be there for them too. If years pass without seeing one another you can bet that you’ll still have something in common at the end of it and a familiarity that never leaves you.  
  
 Best friends or almost lovers are _another thing entirely_. What Hawke and I share is _another thing entirely_. With her there’s no way to cut her out from anything, you tell her what you’re thinking regardless of if you intend to or not - because even if you don’t she’ll read you like a book. There was never any doubt that she would be there for you and you’d be there for her, and I knew that even if we never spoke again until our final days it would be as if we were never apart.   
  
Now I like to think of that as the mark of a true friend, of someone with whom you share a bond stronger than blood. If you can pick up where you left off as if nothing happened, then you’ll never really grow apart from one another.  
  
 The sun sank low in the sky and with it came a chilling evening breeze. As I stood to close the window the door to the room swung open slowly and Hawke stood in the open space beyond.   
  
“Hawke!” I called, excited to see her after so long. “What brings you here?”  
  
Before she had even spoken I’d uncorked a bottle of wine and made space at the table for her to come and sit down. She sat across from me, I was still rambling on about unimportant things and when I eventually had the courtesy to look at her properly I could tell something was wrong. My words died in my throat.   
  
“Hawke?”   
  
She blinked away a couple of tears forming at the edges of her eyes and reached for the glass I’d poured her.   
  
“It’s Fenris.”   
  
I swallowed a lump in my throat, if that elf had gotten himself killed I’d get a necromancer to raise him so I could kill him again.   
  
“I, I mean we…” she trailed off, taking a deep breath. “We slept together.”   
  
This confused me, what would upset her about that? Did he say something about her erm, techniques?   
  
“Right?” I offered as the only response I could think of.   
  
“He left this morning.”   
  
“Ah.”   
  
That made more sense, he’d ditched her. That bastard.   
  
“It’s not like that,” she continued as if she’d read my inner monologue on my face. “It’s… He said he remembered some things. It was upsetting for him. He apologised a lot, said he felt a fool, but in the end he left me.”   
  
This was complicated and not something I knew how to fix. It sounded like a lot more was going on in Fenris’ head than either of us could comprehend - which was hardly surprising, the guy was a walking enigma. As far as comfort went I wasn’t sure what to say to her. I settled for alcohol fuelled distraction and building her self-esteem back up.   
  
“Well that’s his loss then.”   
  
She perked up a bit, looking at me with a questioning expression as I refilled both our glasses.   
  
“His loss?”   
  
“Of all the women he’ll ever meet, he let the best one go.”   
  
The smile she gave me then was genuine, and I raised my glass towards her before taking a large swig.   
  
“Thanks, Varric.”   
  
We spent the rest of the evening drinking, playing cards and talking about the kinds of things we always used to. Somewhere between the third and fourth bottle of wine - or was it fifth? - things became confused. Jokes faded into a haze and memories were floating just out of grasp.   
  
But it was warm, and it was comfortable. 

* * *

When I awoke the next morning it was the sign of a troubling trend.  
  
I remembered nothing of the previous night, but I awoke in bed with Hawke. I write it that way because it's exactly as it sounds. I couldn't bring up any solid memories but I had recollections of sensations. There was enough there coupled with the compromising position I had woken in to figure out that we'd done the exact opposite of putting everything to one side and ignoring it.   
  
Even though it was a bad idea I couldn’t resist looking over Hawke's sleeping form in the lowlight. It was no secret that she was beautiful, I'd told her as much more than a few times before.    
  
There was a softness to her when she slept that not many people had the privilege of witnessing. When she lay in bed like this there was no ignoring her silent grace. Milky skin and smooth neck, with shoulders sculpted and sinewed. The stark contrast of her raven hair made her appear otherworldly. Not everyone believes me when I tell them I believe in the Maker, and Andraste as his prophet. Whether you believe or not, something about the way the early morning sunlight hit the contours of Hawke’s form was practically religious. I tore my eyes away from her before I stared too long to do so, and rested my forehead in my palms. Was it better to leave and say nothing of it? How much did Hawke remember if anything at all? As I was readying myself for a swift departure, she spoke to me. She hadn't moved a muscle and was facing away from me, I had assumed she was still sleeping.  
  
 "Varric."  
  
She pleaded, it almost tore my heart in half. I valued her friendship above all else, there was no way I could jeopardise it, whatever this was, whatever we were doing had to either stop or we had to ignore it.  
  
"Can you just," she paused, unsure of herself.  
  
Eventually she rolled over to look at me haphazardly over her shoulder. Her grey-blue eyes were intense and narrowed with tiredness, smudges of makeup making her look even more worse for wear. The way her fringe fell in her face should have been illegal.   
  
”Can you help me nurse this hangover."   
  
Offering a smile she rubbed a temple for effect. I smiled too, I was worried about many things she could have said in that moment. There was a clear understanding between us that both were aware of what had happened, even if we didn’t really remember it. She'd offered me a get-out-free card. I made sure to take it.   
  
"Sure thing hun, you had a real skin full."   
  
"Oh and you didn't?"   
  
And just like that things were back to the way they were. We didn't talk about the previous night, so it never happened.


	9. Clean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's the next one for you all. This one includes a little more of the present tense elements of the story.  
> This one was fun to write. I've never written Cassandra before in more than a passing sense so I hope she comes across well.  
> The song I chose this chapter is from the musical Wicked! I've been looking for a good male cover but I'm so biased towards the original cast.  
> I'm Not That Girl - Wicked (Idina Menzel Recording) https://youtu.be/Ly_9rmOE-L8

Cassandra wiped the edge of her eye, she was absolutely not getting teared up thinking about Varric’s seemingly unrequited love affair with Hawke. It was just that she understood the pain that it might cause him and in turn it hurt her to read it.  
  
 She knew that in many ways she was hard on him, and perhaps not hard enough in others. Regardless of what she thought of him, she felt privileged that he was allowing her to learn these things about him, and it was changing her opinion in small increments. It was getting darker outside and she knew that sooner rather than later she would have to retire for the night. Before returning to her bedroll, the Seeker decided to pay Varric a visit in person rather than just reading about him in his works.   
  
The dwarf was clearly somewhat surprised to see her.   
  
“You can’t have finished all that already…?” he raised an eyebrow, looking at the papers in her hands.   
  
“No, I have not.” she responded, looking sheepish.   
  
“Ah, well no discussions until everyone in the club finishes the book.”  
  
 Varric smirked at her and she cursed him under her breath.  
  
 “I meant only to see if you were coping,” she paused, narrowing her eyes. “It has been some time since the Inquisitor left.”   
  
Shrugging he placed a tome on top of an ever growing pile.   
  
“You know me, Seeker.”   
  
“It occurs to me that perhaps I do not, _know you_ , Varric.”   
  
There was a feeling of mutual understanding, with a layer of respect that the two of them had not felt for each other before. With that she inclined her head slightly as was polite and turned to leave.  The next morning would bring more chances for indulging in her ‘stories’ but for now bed was her priority.   
  
“Hang on a sec.”   
  
Rolling her eyes Cassandra turned around to face Varric again, who gestured to the stone table in front of them.   
  
“Well?” she asked, irritable from lack of sleep.   
  
“There are some stories I never wrote down, haven’t told one in a while.” It was Varric’s turn to look sheepish now. “Maybe you want to hear one?”   
  
Thinking on it for a minute or two, she decided it was in her best interest to listen in - she knew an olive branch when she was being offered one.  Cracking into a smile Varric went on for a couple of minutes about what kind of story to tell, what portion of his and Hawke’s shared lives would be most interesting to her. In the end Cassandra had suggested a time when he felt especially close to Hawke _emotionally_.   
  
“Oh yeah? Okay, I think I got one.” He mused, rubbing his chin for effect. By now he assumed Cassandra had gotten the gist of what his feelings were towards the Champion so there weren’t many topics that were off limits.  
  
“Let’s see, well there was the time that I came back to the Hanged Man to find Hawke slumped in the armchair covered in what I can only describe as _filth_ , and it was my job to clean her up.”

* * *

The water made a somewhat pleasant dripping sound where it ran down the inside of the makeshift bathtub to meet the rest of the water. Hawke had been undressed down to her small-clothes long before and I helped her to lower herself in. She hissed where the water touched her skin, bruises were beginning to blossom all over.  We’d already slept together, but since neither of us could remember it this felt like the most intimate thing I had ever done with her. In some respects - especially on an emotional level - it was. Wherever I washed the dirt and blood away I got to reveal another expanse of her skin. It was the colour of a porcelain doll, but marked with scars and bruising. Each blemish told a story and reminded me of the times we'd shared together. The marks were far from ugly. If anything they made her more beautiful than she would have been without them. They showed a woman who had suffered and who had lived her life, who had things to share with others and things to keep to herself.   
  
She would shiver every now and again depending on where the cloth touched her and I realised that I was subconsciously remembering all of those places as if I would need them in the future. Maybe I was just enjoying learning more about Hawke's body. It felt perverse that then of all times, when she had come to me for help, was the time that I was finally beginning to let go and give in.   
  
It was stupid to keep pretending that we were only friends. Maybe Hawke wanted it to be that way, but I couldn't sit on that. I didn't know what we were, but we weren't friends any more. At least our friendship was only one fraction of our relationship as it was.   
  
 I brushed my fingertips under the edge of her jaw, checking over a cut that I'd seen earlier. She breathed in sharply, which didn't go unnoticed. It was the last straw, I shook my head, what was I to do with her. The urge to kiss her had been overwhelming, but I felt it wasn’t the right time.  I opted to kiss her on the forehead, but she grabbed my arm as I moved away from her. She was staring at me intensely. Her face was clear of all its usual makeup, making her look pale and even more fragile than usual - yet somehow more lovely than I'd known her to be.   
  
Maybe it was the vulnerability of it all.   
  
"Varric," she frowned, a pained expression I didn't like seeing. "I can't."   
  
I nodded, tentatively kissing her on the forehead again before stroking her hair a little to soothe her.   
  
"I know, I'm just trying to be a good friend."   
  
She smiled for the first time in a long time, even if it was half-hearted.  
  
 "You're always a good friend."   
  
There was a pause.   
  
"Fenris is going to be looking for you." I offered, the taste of Hawke's current beaux's name on my tongue leaving a foul taste in my mouth.   
  
"I can't see him yet." She replied simply. "Let me stay a while."  
  
 "As long as you need."  
  
 In the coming hours she opened up little by little about what had happened to her. For once I didn’t find myself pushing her for information, there was an understanding at least on my part that her pain was more than physical, and _that_ was something Hawke only talked about on her own time.  She’d gone to visit Fenris again after he left her that night at the Hawke estate. They’d argued about something, but she never specified what. In the end she’d left and decided to get blind drunk wandering around Kirkwall. It’s easy to find yourself in an unsavoury area when you’re impaired. A group of mercenaries had attacked her and she was alone, she said she was lucky to make it out with her life but Hawke never went down easy. I think she kind of let them have it out with her to blow off some of her own steam.   
  
I thought back on what I said earlier - he had _damn well better_ be looking for her. Letting Hawke wander off all by herself. Sure she was good in a fight, but no matter how great you are with a staff there’s a limit to the number of people you can fight off at once. Especially when you’re the kind of person to avoid all collateral damage.  

* * *

“She slept in the bed that night and I passed out in my chair while keeping an eye on her breathing. Few cracked ribs can cause some issues, even for a mage. They’re still human.”    
  
Cassandra nodded, transfixed. She enjoyed the way Varric wrote his stories but she thought that now she enjoyed the way he told them in person even more.   
  
“So, the Champion,” she began, a little shy to ask too many questions. “Did she reconcile with her lover?”  
  
 Varric smiled at her, a little smug that she’d gotten so into it.   
  
“That, Seeker, is something you will find out later on. Gotta admit, wasn’t sure you’d be into this all that much.”   
  
“Why not? You are already aware that I read your romance series.”   
  
“I guess you just put Hawke on such a high pedestal I figured a ‘romance’ about her wouldn’t sit right with you.”   
  
“The Champion is many things, who would I be to assume she was not a lover as well as a fighter?”  
  
 Varric laughed genuinely, standing up from the table.  
  
 “That was surprisingly realistic and poetic at the same time. Goodnight, Seeker.”   
  
“Goodnight, Varric.”


	10. Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Next chapter up. There are two (maybe three) more chapters in this 'story' format before we catch up with 'present' time. Then only a few chapters of the actual whole thing left! Yeah about 2/3 of the way through wow.  
> Thanks to anyone who's stuck with me thus far.  
> This chapter I'm digging https://youtu.be/dO6WmM7w93I Why Am I The One - Fun.

Cassandra settled down for another day of reading, deciding today that it would be better to sit on a secluded area of the battlements instead of the stump she usually repurposed as a chair. Thinking back on Varric’s story the night before filled her with both hope and dread. She hoped for her friends’ return, and for Varric to have his chance to talk to The Champion. She dreaded the day the inquisitor came back without her and she had to watch him mourn.   
  
Such thoughts would not help their situation, as she knew well. Waiting was all there was to be done now and so she would fill her time with stories.

* * *

 It’s been a few days since I’ve been able to write anything down here - but there’s a perfectly good reason for that. You see, Hawke and I have only just returned from Sundermount.   
  
It was a particularly cold winter morning, and Anders was running low on supplies for his clinic. Hawke, seemingly looking for a distraction, offered to scour the mountainside for any remaining herbs. I tried to reason with her that at this time of year we probably wouldn’t find anything useful, but she was having none of it.   
  
So in the end Hawke, Anders, Fenris and I scaled the mountainside through the snow. Even though Hawke had offered her services, Anders didn’t like the idea of leaving us to it when it was his problem to deal with. Nothing had been said about the incident with Fenris since that night in the Hanged Man but they were as sickeningly close as ever. I guessed they must have made up.   
  
Sometime around mid afternoon the snow began to fall again. Sensing that this would become more than a flurry, Fenris and Anders were attempting to persuade Hawke to leave the mountain. She declined.   
  
Eventually she snapped at them to leave her to it, I figured she must have been in a poor mood over something and told them to leave and I’d keep an eye on her. They begrudgingly agreed.   
  
The snow began to fall thicker and faster, in the end it was impossible to see far enough in front of us to actually search for any more plants. I spotted a small alcove we could use as a makeshift shelter until the storm passed and we settled inside as the wind whipped around us.  Hawke was good at practical things like lighting fires, so, realising the gravity of the situation we were in, she used some of the plant material we gathered to start one.  Eventually it seemed that the storm wasn’t going to pass any time soon, so we huddled up together to try and weather it. We agreed to take turns staying awake to watch the fire and let the other rest. This went well at first, but eventually I opened my eyes to complete darkness.   
  
Fumbling around I realised Hawke was still next to me, and she woke with a start when I accidentally grabbed her face.   
  
“Varric, what the shit?” she began, before also realising the situation we’d found ourselves in.   
  
I heard her shuffle about before there was a mumble followed by a spark and she had counjured a fireball in the palm of her hand, which she used to bring our fire back to life. No sooner had my sight been restored than I wished it hadn’t.  In the end we had both fallen asleep, the fire had gone out and we were snowed in. It was freezing cold, dangerously so. Hawke shivered, but I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or fear.  
  
 We spent some time testing the thickness of the snow above us, and various methods of escape before realising we were well and truly stuck. There must have been several feet of snow above us and any attempt to move it would just cause it all to collapse in on us, making survival even less likely. We stayed stuck for hours, pressed together for warmth. We had wrapped any available materials around us like a makeshift cocoon.   
  
Being trapped has a way of making you consider the regrets you've had in your life and how to fix them.  I found myself thinking of Bianca, and Hawke and the entire situation I was in as far as my emotions were concerned. There wasn’t really any way to wrap my head around it, and I felt an idiot for developing these feelings for my friend when I already had someone else. Didn’t I? Sometimes I wasn’t sure if I even cared about Bianca like that any more, but any time I had that kind of thought the guilt would eat me alive.  
  
I was left with my thoughts for a long time, the two of us drifting in and out of conciousness. It was only later on we would discover we'd been stuck for two days.   
  
“You know, I tried apologising to Fenris.” Hawke said eventually, offering a reprieve from my mind. Her throat was dry so her voice was rougher than usual.   
  
I looked up at her.  Thinking _p_ _ease_ don't let my last conversation before I die be about Fenris.  
  
“Apologising? Maker, what for?”   
  
“I guess just hurting his feelings, not considering how I’d affect him.”  
  
 “He didn’t exactly help you to understand them, and he left you to fend for yourself after that.”   
  
The idea that Hawke felt like she had to apologise for anything after the way it went down baffled me. Then again, maybe I was biased, I wasn’t technically there after all.   
  
“Yeah, but he’s just confused. It was partly my fault anyway.”   
  
“Andraste’s ass Hawke, if Fenris has been telling you it’s your fault…”   
  
“What? No! No. I came to that conclusion myself. It doesn’t matter anyway.”   
  
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”   
  
“He said he wanted space, I’m pretty sure we’re still together but he doesn’t want any affection or anything right now.”   
  
I ground my teeth in an attempt to stop the growing temptation to yell at her to leave him and get on with her life.  
  
 “I get that you care about him but you really need to call him out on his shit.”   
  
“Yeah, I guess I just feel a bit unwanted at the moment.”   
  
Being trapped inside this cave with nothing but each other and our small fire for heat made the hours tick by painfully slowly. Hawke's current revelation about Fenris was enough to make my blood boil. I mean the guy's always had clear issues - as if any of our friends haven't - but to mess her around like this was really pushing it. She looked up at me from the spot where her head had been resting on my chest, her eyes were so fierce even now.  
  
 "I'm sorry," she said smiling a little sadly and didn't give me a chance to ask why. "Indulge me a little bit?"  
  
 With that she'd put her lips against mine as she had done before, except this time it wasn't hesitant or unsure. This was a decision she'd committed to fully with no time for second guessing. I'm sure you can tell where this goes next. As much as I liked to be careful when it came to Hawke, I was still into her in a big way. I'd accepted that and also spent time coming to terms with what that meant for me and for her. It seemed, however, that all the mental preparation I'd done for moving on from her wasn't enough to persuade myself to push her away.  
  
 I could feel her shaking again, trying to convince myself that it was from the cold - and wondering if I was shaking too. No doubt the energy we were expending now could have gone into keeping us alive, but I don't think either of us cared.   
  
At some point it had changed from her confidence and my apprehension to the two of us releasing a lot of pent up feelings. Thankfully I was able to remind her that she was technically still in a relationship with Fenris at this point despite what she'd told me. It was an effort to cut our make-out session short before I did something I would really regret. Her response of 'fuck that' was amusing but she did back down all the same.  
  
 "I'm beginning to think you're just worried you wouldn't be enough for me." She teased, I scoffed. Things like that should not be said between friends, especially from Hawke, I had a sinking feeling I'd become part of her collection of people who've fallen for her. Another notch on the bedpost so to speak. As if I wasn't confused enough by it as I was.   
  
"Or is Bianca in my way again?"   
  
I knew she'd meant it as a joke, but there was something about her choice of timing that really ticked me off.   
  
"Andraste's _flaming ass_ Hawke!"  
  
 She put a hand delicately over her mouth while shrinking back, and I remember thinking it was the most ladylike thing she'd ever done.   
  
"Ah shit Varric I didn't mean -"   
  
"We're both in a situation where this _isn't okay_ you know? It's not harmless, and it involves more than you or I."   
  
Thinking back on it I don’t know why I snapped like I did. Maybe I had spent too long stewing over it.  
  
 "I know that! Do you think _I've_ got much of a clue what's going on?"  
  
 It became silent save for the sound of someone digging outside. Both of us turned to the opening of the cave and watched as a pair of hands broke the final layer of snow. The argument was ended, but it wasn't truly over.


	11. Lovers Past (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long since I last updated! University started back up and time got away from me.  
> The final chapters are all falling into place so I hope that I can get this properly finished in the next couple of weeks and be able to feel like I at least acomplished a bit of something.  
> To all the new commenters/story followers: Hi! Thanks so much for your interest in this fiction! I hope you're enjoying it so far as much as I enjoy reading all the correspondance.  
> The song for this chapter is Jenny by the Studio Killers.

It was a while before Hawke decided to come and visit me again.   
  
Our last argument had left a foul mood hanging over both of us for some time. I saw her around now and then, spending pretty much every waking moment in the company of Fenris - who was still acting as if nothing was going on between them.   
  
No matter how much she buttered him up or flirted he just flat out ignored it, even though she swore they were still together.   
  
I’d spent most of my day sitting around doing nothing, I would try to write only to find inspiration leaving me faster than my will to stay awake. Nothing felt natural about it the way it usually would. Every sentence felt too carefully constructed and strange to read.  In the end I decided that I would give up on any of my commercial stuff for the day. The only things I really wanted to write were the thoughts swimming around in my head vis a vis romantic intentions and troubles.   
  
Maybe it would help to write it all down - but what could I even say? Making a pros and cons list felt like something you did when you were fourteen years old and you weren't sure if you liked Frederick or Jimmy better.  Still, that’s what I found myself doing. Pros and cons. Like a lovesick teenager. Pros and cons of telling Hawke what I’d been thinking, pros and cons of never telling her, pros and cons of talking to Bianca about it.  Eventually the evening rolled around and I found I was surrounded by various lists and comparisons.   
  
There was a knock at the door, so I gathered up the parchments and shoved them in my desk drawer.   
  
“Yeah?” I called out.   
  
The door swung open slowly to show Hawke standing there. She looked as awkward as she did the day we were dug out of the snow - but at the same time she was more determined than she seemed of late.   
  
“Hey…” she trailed off.   
  
I grunted in response, gesturing to the room as an offer for her to come in, she shook her head.   
  
“No, uhm, I was just checking you were here.”   
  
I raised an eyebrow, confused by the way she stood on the other side of the doorway like it was a barrier.   
  
“Where else would I be?”   
  
“Will you, will you still be here later?”   
  
I shrugged, rubbing the back of my neck. This was really out of sorts, Hawke wasn’t acting like herself at all.   
  
“Sure? There’s nowhere I’m planning on going.”   
  
“Right. Good.”   
  
She clenched and unclenched her hands awkwardly and left. I was really struggling to put together what was going on in her head any more - it sounded like she intended to come back at some point. Why, the Maker only knew.    
It would be a few hours before she returned. 

* * *

There was another telltale knocking on my door, light enough that I might not hear it.   
  
“Hello?” I called out, and as predicted Hawke pushed the door open.   
  
She stood out in the hall again, and I gestured for her to come inside. This time she licked her lips nervously and stepped through.  It was completely silent between us, her staring at me intensely and I doing my best to match it while slumped back in my chair.  Eventually she took a deep breath and cleared her throat.  
  
"I left him. For real."  
  
 The walls seemed to melt into a realm of imagination, and I was vaguely aware that I had stood and closed some of the distance between us, but it felt like a dream. It was as if I had to fight against the air to move at all.  There was still a few feet separating us but at least this felt more personal and more like it used to be than being sat all the way across the other side of the room.   
  
“How, I mean, _why_?”   
  
“I realised it wasn’t working.” she swallowed hard and my eyes followed the movement of her throat. “I felt like it wasn’t worth lying to myself.”   
  
I knew what she was saying but I wanted to hear it outright.   
  
“Lying to yourself about what?”   
  
There was a pause, it was heavy with anticipation. In the end she made a sound that was something like a disgruntled cough and closed the final distance between us.   
  
“Varric I…” she trailed off again, those wild eyes never left me. “I don’t know if I ever _really wanted_ Fenris or if I felt like I _should._ ”   
  
“Mhm…” I mumbled knowing exactly where the conversation was headed but not sure if I had the willpower to stop it.   
  
“But, I _really need you_.”   
  
They were the magic words, right now all that concerned me was _Hawke_ and what she wanted and what she needed. She was telling me that she needed _me_ , and I wasn't about to deny her that.  
  
I hadn’t responded right away and it set her on edge.   
  
“ _Shit_ , sorry, no that was stupid. Ignore me, fucking hell.”   
  
I shushed her, knowing I was going to regret it and took her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it.   
  
This became the first time that we had any physical contact like this without any alcohol or pressure involved. There was only desperation and a sense of want greater than I think I've experienced before or since.  For those who might need it spelled out for them, Hawke spent the night, and the experience is something that will forever be burned into my memory. The experience followed by the guilt in the morning.  We'd done this, and for Hawke there was no guilt, no consideration of someone else that she'd wronged - she was finally rid of that weight on her mind. I, however, thought only about Bianca. At first about what I'd done, the trust I'd broken. Then about her and the position she was in, that in reality I would have been stupid to assume that she didn't have to sleep with her husband.   
  
Somehow that realisation didn't make me feel any better. It just seemed like excuses to cover up my sins. Yeah, of course Bianca had to do things she didn’t want to do - but that was just it. She didn’t want to. There was a massive difference between doing something out of obligation and doing something because you wanted to do it.   
  
I didn’t want to punish Hawke because of my misgivings, if I sent her away after this I’d be doing exactly one of the things I got angry with Fenris about.   
  
If I didn’t send her away, what was I supposed to do? What was this? Did I just unwittingly agree to a relationship or was this a one-time thing? Would I be happy if it was?   
  
It hurt to think about it all.   
  
Hawke stirred next to me, groggy and somewhat bashful. It was adorable and that just made things worse. I smiled at her sheepishly and rubbed the back of my head.  
  
 “Hey Champ.”   
  
She snorted, a combination of a laugh and a grunt.   
  
“Wow, what a thing to hear first thing in the morning.”   
  
I laughed nervously, I knew she could tell from the way she was eyeing me. Still, she didn’t press. Something witty should have come out of my mouth then, maybe a casual ‘you’d better get used to it’ or something like that, but my anxiety about the whole thing was cutting me short.   
  
Hawke looked like she was contemplating what to say next, in the end she decided there was no way to brush it all off - but that didn’t mean she couldn’t joke about it.   
  
“I guess you were right about the chest hair.” She grinned at me as she said this.   
  
“What?”  
  
 “You know, that manly magnetism.”  
  
 “Oh yeah, all those open shirts are just to tease everyone with.”   
  
I couldn’t help but crack a smile at that one. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad just to enjoy this moment. I could allow myself this one thing in life and then I could focus on fixing my messes. If there was anything I could only do once or not at all, spending a morning with Hawke was a high priority.   
  
“Does _milady_ require breakfast?” I asked eventually, trying to contain my chuckling. “I’m afraid I don’t have a maid.”  
  
 “Then, _milord_ , you should be the gentleman and fetch it for me.”   
  
She looked at me in a way that dared me to say no, so I did.   
  
“Hm, I’m not sure I feel up to it, I guess we’ll both have to starve.”   
  
I was swiftly hit in the face with a pillow. Repeatedly.   
  
“Go! Fetch, errand boy!”   
  
Hawke was laughing and so genuinely happy, it was the first time I’d really seen that look on her face since before all this shit started happening to us. Since before her mother, and Carver.    
  
It took my breath away.


End file.
